A few things I have learned to know

"As I forced my hands to unfurl from his neck, feeling the familiar sting in my nose as tears pushed against my will, the words rattled and echoed in my brain. “Not again.”

I watched him walk away–that uniform, identifiable gait—and my heart bent and splintered as the reality of a third deployment began to shower over me.

I picked up the phone, dialing the numbers my numb fingers always meander toward, and sat in silence while she tried to ease my pain. “I can’t imagine…He will be home….I’m here.”

And then she said six words that shot through my ears, penetrated my brain, and stiffened my spine: “You know how to do this.”

She was right. I do know how to do this. I intimately know the all-too familiar lump in my throat. The year of being both father and mother, making the best of a situation. I know exactly how one year feels  as I X each day off my calendar. And I know how to ensure that while our lives are on hold, we still live.
The truth is I know a lot:

• The thought of being alone for a year doesn’t bother me. The fear of being alone for a lifetime—does.

• Flat rate boxes can hold twenty whoopee cushions, four kindergarten projects, and five perfume-scented letters.

• Technology can be a double-edged sword—one side delivering his face; the other a brutal live-action feed of explosions and camouflaged body parts.

• Murphy’s Law is a constant companion. The moment he walks out the door, anything that can break, collapse, bleed, or explode–will .

• Five hours of uninterrupted sleep is a gift from the deployment gods

• Holidays are hard, but manageable.

• Deployments come and go, but sand from his boots never leaves.

• Nothing can replace a handwritten letter. Through those beautifully folded pages, he is holding my hand again.

• When the National Anthem is played, I know goosebumps will rise on my arms, and a lump will fill my throat.

• The silence in communication following a war zone attack is agonizing.

• Laughter is a powerful ally.

• Each deployment offers two options: grow or regress. This is a choice.

• Cereal is always a dinner option.

• Videos of lost teeth, ballerina recitals, and preschool graduations can be emailed to Iraq nearly instantly.

• Five powers of attorney and the intimate details of his will are needed to navigate a deployment.

• White out blizzards can actually bury a truck in five minutes.

• Rosie the Riveter was right: We can do it.

• Children cling to hope and the promise of tomorrow.

• Living in each moment together is possible when facing the fear that it could be your last.

• Welcome home kisses are sweeter than the finest chocolate.

• Anger will grip me and depression can hold me, but another military spouse will steady me.

• A six-year-old child can feel the absence of her father so deeply that she can suffer from clinical depression.

• A military spouse will often hold her/his tongue, silencing a story, for fear of sounding “unpatriotic.”

• The sound of a bugle can make my heart swell with pride or collapse in sorrow.

• Duct tape and a monkey wrench can fix nearly anything.

• Despite the protestors and those who tell me I “knew” what I was getting into, I know there are countless American citizens who will go above and beyond to show they support us.

There are many things I know.
I know how to change the brakes on my truck, rappel from the side of a cliff, shoot a double-barreled shotgun, balance a checkbook, earn my keep, and kiss a child enough to feel like two.
But there are still so many things I don’t know.

• I don’t know how to start my heart again when I see a death notification car on my street.

• When that knock echoes on the door of my neighbor, I don’t know how to forgive myself when I am relieved.

• I don’t know how to hug him enough to last a lifetime, or kiss him just so in order to feel satisfied—should our reunion be at the foot of a pine box.

• I’m not willing to learn how to pretend he doesn’t exist, to keep him out of our life while it goes on without him, or to build a wall so high he has no way to scale it.

• I don’t know how to stop his panic attacks, and I have no idea how to make my nightmares of rampant bombs and lifeless limbs disappear.

• I don’t know how to adjust to his presence in my house when our floor rarely feels the weight of his boots.

• I don’t know how to tell his small children that, yes, he leaves them all the time. But because he loves them so deeply, he is willing to die to keep them free.

• I can’t understand those who would question my desire to stay with him, or how I can peacefully sleep beside a “killer.”

• I am amazed and confounded that despite all he has seen, he still has the courage to laugh.

• I don’t’ know how to give up on my family.

But, most importantly:
I have no clue how to still my pounding heart when he finally walks through our door again, I don’t know how to pull my hands from his sand-stained neck and say goodbye, and I don’t know how to ever walk away from a man who stands while many choose to sit.

7251 Countryside Grove

Yay for projects for me! I had to tell Jared before he left that there might be a few changes done to the house before he gets back. He was ok with that plan as long as I promised not to get too crazy. I was so proud of the front door decorations, because now when I get back from a long day at work, I feel like I am coming home to a welcoming house. If that makes sense? I bought the welcome mat at Bed Bath & Beyond, and the door hangings are from Chris Strank's fun craft store. You all should be so proud of me..I put the bench together all by myself! I really have had to step up my handy skills since Jared left. I think when you have to rely on only yourself to do things, your mind already tells you you can do anything.

I finally was able to find the clear stuff for the window. We had paper taped up to the window before I did this. It was super tacky looking at that everyday, and I had enough. I had to measure out the perfect amount..and hey it looks good! Much better than the paper taped to the wall. I only hope Jared likes it...

I knew the day we got married that Jared had to leave in May. So I had some time to ask all the questions I could think of about how to handle a house by myself. Jared, my dad, and Greg taught me everything I needed to know. I was kind of nervous to handle everything in the house alone, but I have managed everything so far. I made a list of everything I wanted to get done before this deployment was over, and I am only half way done. I am really independent, and I hate asking for help. I see it as a weakness that I can't do things on my own just because I am girl..I am weird I know, but I hate when people help me. So here is to figuring out things on my own! I also posted the picture of the knobs I put on the cabinets. I found Jared's power tools in his truck and I went straight to work. I'm not going to lie..I want my own set of power tools now!! It was fun drilling those in, and it has been a blast doing odd end things to our house when I have time. The one and only thing I ABSOLUTELY HATE doing is changing out the air filter. Oh my gosh I have give myself a pep talk every time before going down the tunnel!! It is dark, dusty, and I have to walk crouching down to even get to the filter. Not to mention I am deathly scared of spiders. I got it done in about 2 minutes yesterday. That is record time! I only have to do it a few more times and then that can be Jared's job :)

 Between work, Titan and Tundra, scouts, and the house...I feel pretty busy most days! Here are a few pictures to prove that I am staying proactive  :)

Titan and Tundra

As much as these hyper-active wolf dogs drive me crazy, I still absolutely love them. They keep my time occupied, and they help keep me entertained. Just right when I want to kill them, they both come snuggle up next to me on the couch and fall asleep. Then I go back to loving them again.

We first only got Titan (the one on the rigt) initially. Then Jared BEGGED me to go back with him a week later to get one more...the very last one! I could not even believe he was asking me for another one. I thought he was crazy. (I still think he is crazy) We finally made an agreement, that if he didn't get a new truck after his deployment then he could get one more dog before he left. That is fair enough right? 

So now we have two German Shepard/ Wolf mixes. We can't tell our neighbors the wolf part because they would freak out. They already HATE dogs as it is, so we just keep that information to ourselves.

Titan is our very obedient one. He is a people pleaser, and will do anything for a treat. He really is a lot of fun to train one-on-one. Tundra on the other hand...he could care less about being obedient. He is our "special dog"..ya know a window licker. We love him anyway, but wow is he a handful!! I thought about getting rid of him, but everytime I think about giving him up it makes me so sad. I would never go through with it. I have never been attached to animals before, but this situation is so different. They are my only sort of company and entertainment in the house while Jared is gone. They keep me so busy, and I am so glad that Jared decided to get them for us!

I Can't Say Goodbye

There is nothing more that needs to be said after watching this video. The lyrics really speak for themselves. Every military wife can relate to the feelings of this song!! I have been extrememly lucky in the fact that Jared and I have been able to talk on a regular basis. Unfortunately that has now changed. Every phone call is just as important as the one before, but now it will be much harder to say goodbye...

  

PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN

I can't believe that ten years has already gone by. Ten years ago today I was only in the 6th grade, and I had abosolutely no idea what the World Trade Centers even were. Robyn was in the shower, and I was out doing my hair in front of the mirror. I heard my mom scream from upstairs and all of a sudden freak out. I hurry and ran upstairs to see what the heck was wrong with her. She was bawling! I remember turning to the tv were she was frantically staring. All I could really understand was that our country was being attacked and that this was something I was going to remember for forever. I ran back downstairs to tell Robyn and she immediately grabbed a towel and ran upstairs with me. We all stood together with my dad in the living room, all in awe of something we had absolutely no control over. For weeks the pictures of the terrorists haunted me. I'm not going to lie, I was scared everytime I saw their pictures. Even as a 6th grader, I felt sad, and helpless for those people involved. Now ten years later, I know that our country has pulled together to ensure that this will never happens again. I am proud to be an American!

September 11th has a lot of meaning to Jared. This is why he joined the Army in the first place, and he actually joined shortly after his high school graduation. I am a very proud Army wife to have my husband serving our country to fight for our freedoms. It is because of soldiers like Jared, that we can all say WE ARE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!

Staying Strong

Hello family and friends! After much thought I have decided to start blogging. I am at a time in my life where I should be documenting my thoughts and feelings. I am determined to make this year an amazing year, and thus far it has been. I am extremely blessed. I have a WONDERFUL husband who treats me like a queen. Some how he knows exactly how I am feeling at all times, and knows exactly how to make me happy. We have a beautiful house, with two terrors..I mean two cute puppies. We have great family members, both on my side and Jared's side. I could not be more proud of my decision to marry Jared. Heavenly Father has blessed me so much, and I am so grateful for what I have been given.

I haven't really shared with anyone about how things went before Jared left for his deployment. Maybe now is a good time to share that experience with you from my perspective.... Jared and I always cherished our short time together due to the news of his tour to Afghanistan. We never went anywhere without each other, except for work, and we were each other's best friend. I can honestly say that marrying Jared was the best decision I have ever made. We quickly learned how to grow together, and lean on each other, that the thought of him leaving me for a whole year was slowly tearing my heart apart. We both had a mental countdown of how many months, weeks, days, and hours we had left together before the inevital would have to happen. We never had to talk about it, we both just knew.

Jared was scheduled to leave for his first tour to Afghanistan, and second tour altogether, on May 25, 2011. He had all his bags packed and ready to go by the front door just a few hours before I had to drop him off to post.  The feeling in our home was definately very low. Titan and Tundra behaved very well that day too. I swear to you that they knew what we had to do that day, because they either slept, or hung around Jared for most of the day. It was amazing to me how they could feel the mood of our home.

I kept looking at the clock wishing that I could stop time right in its tracks. I wasn't quite ready to say goodbye yet. (even though I had 6+ months to mentally prepare) Right then Jared received a phone call from his squad leader...HIS FLIGHT WAS DELAYED ONE MORE DAY! Quickly the excitement that was missing in both us came alive! I couldn't stop jumping up and down, and it felt like I won the million dollar lottery ten times over again. You wouldn't think that another 24 hours together would make that big of a difference, but it was truely the greatest feeling. Still not wanting to say goodbye, we embraced our last 24 hours together by going to Texas Roadhouse for dinner...again. What?! He needed one last good meal!

The time has officially come. The moment we have all NOT been waiting for. Words do not even come close to describle how I felt that moment. My hands were sweating, my heart racing, eyes red from crying all night, my mind in every which way, and all I wanted to say was "Please don't go!" I knew that was not even an option, so I resisted from saying it. It would only make saying goodbye that much harder. Even typing this story is making me cry because it is bringing back my feelings. I will never forget that momemt in our living room where Jared and I said our last goodbyes. It is something that I will hold dear to my heart for forever. I will not go into detail of what words were said or the feeling between us, because it is something so personal that I will never forget.

I will never take our marriage, or Jared for granted again. May 26, 2011 was the day that changed my life forever. I never thought I could love someone so much, until he was taken away from me. Most of you cannot relate to this sitution, but I hope and pray you will tell your husband or wife how much you love and appreciate them on a daily basis. That should never be taken for granted. Just giving your best friend a kiss at night and saying "I Love You" is all I dream about doing. Jared and I both agree that it is the small and simple things in a marriage that make a marriage so great.

I had to go to work straight after our last goodbye. My heart ached while opening the door to my car...knowing that once I got in, it would be another 8 months before I could have my husband back. Jared was standing at the front door with tears in his eyes, and watching my every move. It was hard to look at him, because I knew his heart was breaking too. I'm not sure if anyone knows this or not, but Jared and I have a song. Our song that always reminds us of each other is "Honey Bee" by Blake Shelton. Right as I pulled out of the neighborhood, guess what song comes on? HONEY BEE!! I literally felt like I was in a movie, and that this was the song playing to descibe our marriage.

While at work, I held my emotions together all day. No one asked me how I was doing (probably because they knew I was trying so hard to keep it all together), and I continued on to do my duties and tried to pretend that nothing had happened. After work, going home to an empty house, and not being greeted with a kiss was extremely difficult. At that moment it hit me how alone I was going to be for the next year. Wow..also another feeling I will never forget....but what was I thinking I was going to feel alone??? I have never felt more loved from family and friends than ever before. Even without talking to anyone for the first day, I immediately felt 100% comforted. I know that Heavenly Father was answering my prayers, as well as everyone's prayers for me to feel safe and comforted while Jared was gone. I have never felt alone since then, and I know it is because of all the prayers, and support from all of you. I could not have done this without my family.

I get the "You are a lot stronger than me" and the "I don't know how you do it" sayings said to me all the time. Honestly it is really simple. There is nothing complex about it at all. If you were in my situation you would be doing the exact same thing. You would do anything for the one you love right? Well if living alone while your husband is sent to a foreign country to fight for our everyday freedoms, then that is what needs to be done. I will be the same person the day he left and the same person the day he gets back. This deployment is not about me, it is about Jared. I do the things I am doing now in support of my husband. I stay strong so that he can stay strong. I didn't marry Jared INSPITE of his deployment, I married him because I love him and I knew that he needed me for support. We are tag teaming this deployment, and I have been determined to make this year an amazing year. I will not be sitting around crying all day waiting for his return, nor does he want me to do that either. I'm not saying that I won't have bad days where all I want to do is cry, but staying strong and moving forward in this year is what is most important.  The feeling of being in love is the greatest feeling I have ever experienced...even if it is with someone half way across the world from me. "Distance only makes the heart grow fonder"...the famous words of my mother.

Only 9 more months to go. I am going to be strong for the both of us!